1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and unfortunately, I fell into that category. Pregnancy has never been easily achieved for my husband and me. After a year of infertility, we finally figured out the source of our struggle. I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis, underwent successful surgery, and got pregnant just 4 months later with our son Brooks. Going forward, I had no idea what it would look like when we began trying to conceive for the second time. Much to our surprise, we got pregnant relatively fast ( 6 months ). We were so beyond excited to see Brooks as a big brother and to see our family grow!
I am slightly anxious by nature. So that first trimester is always a mix between over-the-moon excited and over-thinking, leading me to feel anxious. The morning I turned 7 weeks pregnant, I woke up and immediately thought to myself, “I don’t feel pregnant”. I truly can’t explain the feeling. My symptoms were still there, I just had this weird feeling in my heart. I tried to go about my day normally, but I was having a hard time shaking this feeling. I even voiced it out loud to Joe. That evening, I began spotting and I just knew that I was going to lose this baby. 🙁 My doctor scheduled me for an ultrasound the next morning and because of COVID, I had to go into this appointment alone. I was a wreck.
Much to my surprise, the ultrasound tech found a heartbeat! The heart rate was on the lower end of normal ( 90 BPM ) and the baby was measuring 6 weeks, almost a week and a half behind. The tiny glimpse of hope that I had quickly disappeared. I knew it wasn’t possible to only be 6 weeks pregnant based on my cycle.
The bleeding / cramping picked up and I ended up delivering our little bean at home later that evening. The whole process was the most painful experience, both physically and mentally. We sent our baby off for genetic testing and received word back a few weeks later that none of the testing we ordered could be processed. Heartbreak all over again. Death without reason is absolutely gut-wrenching.
BUT GOD.
Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
My only hope to get through this horrible heartache was Jesus. I cried out to Him day and night. Sometimes I was angry, sometimes crippled in overwhelming heartbreak, and sometimes I was praising Him for the sense of H O P E that He instilled in me. He taught me so much and that is what I want to share with you.
– Our baby only lived for 7 ½ weeks gestation. The Lord gave that little bean a kingdom purpose. He / she aided in leading my uncle to The Lord. My uncle found himself on his knees after hearing about our loss and The Lord met him there. He now has Jesus in his heart. Moments before this testimony was made known to me, I was crying out to The Lord begging Him to give me some kind of hope or understanding regarding our loss. He answered. I am forever thankful.
–Trust. I have learned to trust The Lord through tragedy. When the genetic testing came back labeled, “unable to be performed”, I was broken, knowing I would never know the cause of our baby’s death. At that moment, The Lord spoke to my heart and said, “do you trust me?”. My actions regarding growing our family actually showed the opposite of trust. I had been full of stress and anxiety. That is not trust. He was calling me to lean fully on Him. It was nothing I did or didn’t do. My hormones were high, the baby was placed correctly in the womb, and the placenta was forming. The miracle of conception happened and I still view it as a miracle.
–Love. The Lord taught me about love. This feeling that I am experiencing over the loss of our child is only a tiny glimpse of His love for me, for us. I am growing to know Him more by experiencing such heart pulling / gut wrenching / crippling love. If I, a broken sinner, can love my unborn baby THIS much, imagine how great our Father’s love is for us.
I am forever changed by this heartbreak. I am learning more about myself, about God, and about love. Refine me, Lord. Take me through the fire – so that I may reach the other side → your blessings, abundantly.
Your will, Your way, Always.
Xo, Soph
Babe, I’m so proud of you. There is nothing more a mama can hope for than their children knowing how to lean on and receive Truth/Love/Power from the Lord. Only He can bring understanding/healing as we travel through this journey in a fallen world, and with a fallen nature that is repeatedly allowing thoughts to try to pull is from Truth. Your faith and perseverance found in the power of Jesus’ Love, infill my heart to the point of surrender and joy. Only the power of the Lord through His child (you) can cripple a mama’s suffering (victory) as she (me) endures another day of waiting on Gods promises (perfect timing) to her child (you) to be glorified (your completed family/all your children He will bless you with).
I love you,
Mom
Thank you mom, I love you too!